Self Manager

When I was in 2nd grade we were all given a bright pink piece of paper with a list of about 30 qualities. If we were interested, we had to prove we possessed each of these qualities so that we could earn a "Self Manager" button. These buttons allowed the select 2nd graders to go to lunch first, have longer recesses, be given surprise treats, etc. The catch was, you had to wear it every single day because you never knew when or what the surprises would be and if you forgot your button that day, well, you were S.O.L.

Essentially the list of qualities were things like:
Hands work in on time.
Raises hand to speak every time.
Shares with others.
Uses an inside voice.
Stays on task.
The list went on and on....

I pursued those qualities like they were gold. The allure of that button and the prestige and prizes associated with it were nothing short of exhilerating to me.

I was in a coffee shop today working on a new project and I felt a pang of nostalgia for that time in 2nd grade. So easy to prove myself worthy: just put an X next to every quality, then get your teacher to sign off in agreement, take the paper to the office and get your button. Then, daily, I had physical evidence of my worthiness for bonuses, exception, special treatment, advancement in line, and longer recess. One would see me from across the room and think "Ah-ha! A self manager. She can manager herself. Let's choose her."

As I sat and worked on the project in the coffee shop I longed for that 2nd grade me, when I TRULY did self manage myself. I really was on task, I really did share, I really did hand my work in on time. Then I realized at 32 I wouldn't qualify for that button. I was a better citizen, a harder worker and in many ways and truly better manager of self when I was 8. I overachieved and sought excellence because I thought it was who I really was to do so. It never occurred to me NOT to be great. I assumed I would excel because that's what felt good and natural to me.

This comes up now because I'm waiting to hear about the status of the show I wrote last fall. Had the WGA not struck it would've sold to FOX and been well underway by now. However, in light of the strike everything is in flux and the destiny of my little show is uncertain. And, even the tiniest thought of this show not at least having a chance to realize itself breaks my heart in ways I can't fully express. I feel myself bracing for the possible disappointment and it feels unbearable. Then I think, come on, it's not cancer. My parents weren't killed in a fire. My cat wasn't ran over by a motorcycle- in front of me. My big brother isn't a drug addict. There are worse things. If things go sideways I'll do what I always do and start over again...that's what any good self manager would do.

WORDS I WISH I HAD WRITTEN: "I've been lucky. I'll be lucky again" (Bette Davis)

Blog-fession

Well, it's been 140 days since my last blog. So much has happened. And, now as the strike is quickly coming to an end I will use this time to update the blog and bring myself right up to the current moment! I've actually been meaning to create a record of all the incredible meetings I had last year for my own sense of history/journey and this is a great place to do it.

As of Sept 17 there were two producers interested in the pilot (I'll call it K4P). Both would've been amazing and I was incredibly excited. Ultimately Producer #1 was waiting for his overall deal to close at Giant Network so that he could buy my show. In the meantime Producer #2 took K4P to her Massive Nework who passed because they already had something similar in production. That left Producuer #1...who was still waiting. So, in his infinite generosity he gave his blessing for me to shop the pilot to other producers, just in case his deal didn't close in time he didn't want me to miss an opportunity to sell my show! I know, what an amazing guy right? He could easily have just sat on it and been a greedy jerk but that's not how he rolls. So, the game was on and my agents sent K4P to a several producers that were still looking for comedies. The season was winding down and not everyone was still looking for shows, but we still got some fantastic nibbles.

My first official meeting was with Producers #3a & 3b. I had never heard of them but they're a pod on Bohemith Network Lot. This being my first meeting my agent told me to prepare by having my show fully flushed out in terms of character arcs, future episode ideas, etc. So I spent five or six days working on my K4P pitch and on Sept 18th at 3:30 I had my first meeting. I was incredibly nervous. They had a cute comfortable office and they were very complimentary about the script. They told me they read a lot of specs but have very few meetings. I was flattered but tried to play it cool. We talked about how the show came to be, my background, how I got with my agent, etc. All in all it was a solid meeting. Nothing earth shattering. Probably, if you had sat in on it you'd have thought: 'well, that went just fine'. You wouldn't have run to your car pumping your fists in the air screaming "Amanda for president!" but you wouldn't have cringed either.

But here's what was so amazing about that meeting. It was an absolute turning point. And probably if I were to smoke a bowl and THEN tell you about this meeting I'd probably say that I think these producers and I had made a divine pact pre-birth (I know, but I'm stoned in this version so bare with me) that on Sept 18 they would help me see myself for the first time. I can't tell you how proud I was of myself that day. I pitched that show like a pro. Not a wanna-be, or a waitress who was pretending to be, but a real live professional writer who believed in herself and her project. I was answering questions about the show that I didn't even know I knew the answer to, I was making stuff up and cracking jokes and having fun and SELLING MY SHOW!!! It was so amazing. I was so proud of my work. I had no idea how good it would feel to have people respond to something that I had created. I felt like I'd made it. Even if they didn't buy my show just that I got a meeting was fantastic! I know it's sappy but I cried on my way home thinking about where I was just one year ago, about how much doubt I had that I would ever make it in this business.

I talked to my agents that night and they said that Producers #3a/b were currently working on another project so their finances were tied up but if circumstances allowed they would want to move forward with mine as well. Not the same as "They lost their minds and will kill themselves if they don't get your show." But I was still thrilled. And, I had ANOTHER MEETING the following week. Oh, you're gonna love this story. It's so delicious you might die.

Till tomorrow...

WORDS I WISH I HAD WRITTEN: “Maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see anything in us that we don't see in ourselves. Stop waiting for a producer. Produce yourself.” (Marianne Williamson)

Look busy....

Well, things are moving slower than I'd like them too. As a result I've been forced to move on to another project. It's another comedy pilot. It's one of the other ideas I had while coming up with the one I settled on...if that makes sense. I really liked it when it came to me but I put it on the back burner in favor of something I thought was more marketable. So, now I'm dusting it off and shining it up. I need to get my mind of what's happening with the sale of the other pilot but more importantly I need to keep writing - keep the momentum going. I've had a delightful little mini-breaking and now...back to work.

It's still angel related. I had reservations about this but I figure if Bryan Fuller can keep writing about death ("Pushing Daisies" and "Dead Like Me") I can keep writing about life...after death. Thank you Bryan for the inspiration.

Wouldn't it be funny if this second show did better than the first? It's kind of like buying a lottery ticket when you have tons of money, you don't feel any pressure to win...so you win! That examples sucks slighty since my first show hasn't exactly sold (yet) but, you get it.

Words I Wish I Had Written: "Follow your bliss." (Joseph Campbell)

Hurry up and wait...

Well, there's interest! In fact there are two potential homes for the spec. Both producers would be amazing to work with. It's truly win/win. There are still a lot of factors and hoops to jump through so I'm trying to stay calm. But it's definitely encouraging. It makes suiting up to wait tables every day that much more bareable. After all this time there is a real light at the end of the tunnel. We should "know more next week". Which is what they said last week...and we still don't really know more. But at least there's movement!

I'll keep you posted.

Words I Wish I Had Written: "He that can have patience can have what he will."
(Benjamin Franklin)

Finish Line...first of many....

Well, I've completed the first draft and have spent the weekend going through to 'spruce' it up. Funny thing, sprucing. In my case it means finding more jokes, trimming dialogue, and making some of the longer/chatty scenes more active. Less tell more show. This has been quite a journey. Many ups and downs. Many "I'm a genius" tempered with "I'm clinically retarded". Somewhere in the middle I lie, fingers crossed hoping my shiny moments outweigh my thinner something-better-here-but-I-don't-know-what moments. Ken Levine says you only need one person to be interested in your spec script. From now on I shall call this person: The One.

I'm sending the newest draft to my agent tomorrow and they'll be sending it to producers and show runners and potential "The One's".

I fully intend to have good news next week even if it's only: "No one is interested...YET."

Words I Wish I Had Written: "Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed optimist." (An Optimist)

One down, three to go...

Well, I wrote the Teaser and ACT I of the Pilot today. However, it's not funny. That wouldn't matter except that I'm writing a comedy. I'm praying to The Comedy Gods that when the first draft is up and on it's feet I'll be able to go through and mine for jokes. There'll be jokes to mine for, right?

Someone kill Judd Apatow so I can channel his funny dead spirit into my script. $40 to the man that kills Judd by Friday.


Words I Wish I Had Written: "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least." (Goethe)

Matrioshka Stage....

I'm in a very interesting stage in the pilot right now. I'm working on the beat sheet, a mere day or two from going to draft (!) and I'm finding that one clever solution to a problem is leading me to a whole new set of problems. Sort of like Matrioshka Dolls (I actually had to google: "dolls that fit inside each other" to find the name). I am thrilled at my new doll (solution) only to find that it's head comes off and theres another one inside it (new problem)!! Only, it's not thrilling the way it was when I was ten and realized I had not one doll but four!

But this is good. Getting stuck in the mud means that new distinctions are being made, specifics are being hammered out and rules, guidelines and relationships are solidifying. It's very tempting to jump ship at this stage. It appears that it's not going to turn out, it appears that the very pilot itself sucks, and it becomes painfully obvious that in order to make it work, it needs to be three hours long.

I will not be seduced by the illusion of "it's not working". I shall make it work. I shall finesse this script until my brain bleeds, when my inner critic starts screaming: "Your premise is smarter than you are!" I'll hold my finger to my lips and say: "Shhhh. Shut your mouth, jack ass." And I'll forge on....

Words I Wish I Had Written: "Seek and Ye Shall Find..." (I think it was Jesus)