Self Manager

When I was in 2nd grade we were all given a bright pink piece of paper with a list of about 30 qualities. If we were interested, we had to prove we possessed each of these qualities so that we could earn a "Self Manager" button. These buttons allowed the select 2nd graders to go to lunch first, have longer recesses, be given surprise treats, etc. The catch was, you had to wear it every single day because you never knew when or what the surprises would be and if you forgot your button that day, well, you were S.O.L.

Essentially the list of qualities were things like:
Hands work in on time.
Raises hand to speak every time.
Shares with others.
Uses an inside voice.
Stays on task.
The list went on and on....

I pursued those qualities like they were gold. The allure of that button and the prestige and prizes associated with it were nothing short of exhilerating to me.

I was in a coffee shop today working on a new project and I felt a pang of nostalgia for that time in 2nd grade. So easy to prove myself worthy: just put an X next to every quality, then get your teacher to sign off in agreement, take the paper to the office and get your button. Then, daily, I had physical evidence of my worthiness for bonuses, exception, special treatment, advancement in line, and longer recess. One would see me from across the room and think "Ah-ha! A self manager. She can manager herself. Let's choose her."

As I sat and worked on the project in the coffee shop I longed for that 2nd grade me, when I TRULY did self manage myself. I really was on task, I really did share, I really did hand my work in on time. Then I realized at 32 I wouldn't qualify for that button. I was a better citizen, a harder worker and in many ways and truly better manager of self when I was 8. I overachieved and sought excellence because I thought it was who I really was to do so. It never occurred to me NOT to be great. I assumed I would excel because that's what felt good and natural to me.

This comes up now because I'm waiting to hear about the status of the show I wrote last fall. Had the WGA not struck it would've sold to FOX and been well underway by now. However, in light of the strike everything is in flux and the destiny of my little show is uncertain. And, even the tiniest thought of this show not at least having a chance to realize itself breaks my heart in ways I can't fully express. I feel myself bracing for the possible disappointment and it feels unbearable. Then I think, come on, it's not cancer. My parents weren't killed in a fire. My cat wasn't ran over by a motorcycle- in front of me. My big brother isn't a drug addict. There are worse things. If things go sideways I'll do what I always do and start over again...that's what any good self manager would do.

WORDS I WISH I HAD WRITTEN: "I've been lucky. I'll be lucky again" (Bette Davis)