The Trenches

Well, it's been two whole weeks since my last blog. That's how busy I've been. Good for me! I know I've said it before in previous blogs, but creating a pilot is an ART FORM. I can't believe how easy it is to do it badly. I'm astounded at how bad my writing can be sometimes. It's really breathtaking. I went to a seminar last year to learn the 'tools' of pilot writing and the instructor said: "If you don't have the guts to do it badly, you won't have the guts to do it well." Judging from these early stages, I'm very gutsy.

It's an interesting thing to experience the emotion of my desire (to write a successful pilot) move towards the manifestation (the ACTUAL pilot). I always begin my writing session rehearsing, in my mind, the success of that session, how I'll feel when it's over, the pride I'll have in sticking with it, the reward that focus brings, the satisfaction in knowing that I'm growing closer to a completed draft, the gratitude for the moments of inspiration and real humor, etc.

I can't remember a time when I felt such a deep desire to do good work, have it be seen and truly step up to a new threshold in my career. If visualization, prayer, positive affirmation, study, determination and passion are enough...I'm going to score. Big.

Words I Wish I Had Written: "You can do it, put your back into it..." (Ice Cube)

On Route

So, not ready to go to draft quite yet. HOWEVER, I made some really great breakthroughs story wise over the weekend. I'm still ironing out supporting characters and am trying to craft relationships so that they aren't just a function of strictly supporting my main character, but have goals, lives and agendas all their own.

As a side note: I had a very good meeting this week at a fantastic production company. We shared many of the same ideas about what's possible in TV, and how exciting it is to be in development right now because of where things are going, how the consciousness of the masses is changing and what that means for future programming. Delicious. What an exciting conversation. I wanted to tongue kiss EVERYONE.

For the last few years I have been trying really hard to FIT IN to this industry. I've written specs to demonstrate my ability to duplicate the voice of various shows, and I've collaborated on features I didn't really love or connect with in an effort to prove I could bring anything to life, whether I liked it or not. It wasn't until I was asked to write something ALL MY OWN, completely original that I found out, not only was it okay to write what I really love, other people liked it too! It was miraculous! I was amazed. And now to be able to sit at my computer WITHOUT FEAR THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME ON A PROJECT NO ONE WILL WANT, feels like I won the lottery. It's so much fun! It's like a dream come true. There was nothing worse than wanting to be able to write the things I know best and simultaneously feeling a sense of certainty that it wouldn't be accepted. It was terrible. Now I think, man what an ego! What, am I the ONLY one that loves a new age/spiritual comedy? Geez. What am I, so evolved that no one could possibly get my God jokes? Man, somebody build me a dirt mattress so I can safely jump down from my high horse...

I feel overwhelmed by the potential all around me...I feel high from the sheer possibilities of it all...and I feel in love with my own future in a way I didn't even know was possible. How on earth did I get so lucky?

Words I Wish I Had Written: ""Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid." (Basil King)

Got it.

Pop the bubbly! Someone alert the media! I got it! I got it! Wanna know how I did it? It's incredibly nerdy, so don't tell anyone. If you do I'll deny it. I started my writing session today by writing a fake press release for Variety Magazine about the success of my new pilot! Dweeb Alert! Geek Patrol! All hands on deck! How funny is that? I felt so good when I was done with it that sitting down to make some decisions was SO EASY it was startling. And I'm in LOVE with the premise, it's EXACTLY what I've been looking for. Ah, how delicious this night has been. I will sleep the sleep of a thousand dead dogs tonight. My new goal: Go to draft by Sunday. I'll flush out story points tomorrow, do the treatment on Friday, the outline on Saturday and start the script on Sunday. Oh my God, if I get a draft done out by the end of next week I'm gonna get a tatoo and that's final! Or at least some highlights. Or an ice cream. Maybe a tatoo AND an ice cream.

Nights like tonight are why writer's write. At least, it's why THIS one writes.

Words I Wish I Had Written: "Affirmations don't make things happen...they make things welcome." (Rev. Michael Beckwith)

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..." (The Little Train That Could)

Indulgence Stew

Vacation was delightful. Five days of basking and snuggling with the family. It was so easy to feel good about the pilot because this was a "no writing" vacation. So, every time my mind wandered back to the show I would have waves of delight and hope, inspiration and knowing that all would be well. Amazing how easy it is to feel good about it when I'm not ACTUALLY doing it. Then I came home and stared at my computer screen until my eyes bled.

I got a new idea over dinner on Monday night and have been working with that all day today. Actually, it's fine, I think it will work, there are things about it that I love but it's starting to lean into more of a sci-fi realm which is unchartered territory for me. I'm starting to think I just need to make a decision and move on a premise, whether it's air tight or not and let the first run at this thing suck giant donkey ass if it needs to. Cuz, I ain't kidding when I say this is going to send me to an early grave. And, it's making me feel like I may never be able to accomplish this task, which is...well, retarded.

I just want to feel spectacular about my idea, I want to run around my bedroom squealing with delight, clapping my hands like a mad woman, rosey cheeked and gitty at the depth and genius of my Brand New Pilot. But at this point its feeling like gum with no flavor and all I want to do is SPIT IT OUT. Or get new gum. And at this point, there is no new gum. Be damned if I'm gonna completely abandon the idea of a show about angels. Forget it. That decision has been made.

So tomorrow I start fresh. I'm going to double fist it: one page will be my one hour premise idea and on the other page with be my half hour premise idea, and whoever is most fully ready to go to the next stage by midnight, wins.

Enough of this hand wringing and lip biting. Behold as I go boldly into the land of Original Pilot WRITING (vs. worrying).

Words I Wish I Had Written: "All my life whenever it comes time to make a decision, I make it and forget about it." (Harry S. Truman)

I need a little more Harry in my life...

How many mega-toodles in your brain-pod?

Oh, whoa is me. I've decided to write a 1/2 hour comedy. No longer writing a one-hour show. I'll leave that to the greats. Also known as: experienced writers. I have two bald patches on my head. I've successfully pulled my hair out in the exact shape of my fist on both sides. Sexy, I know.

There's good news and bad news about this process. The good news is: I'm officially in love with this work. How do I know? I'm totally depressed, frustrated, angsty and overwhelmed. Also: nauseous, grumpy and weepy. If you knew me you'd know that meant I was really in my element. I think in my whole baby career as a writer I've never wanted so badly to create something great. I say that every time, but THIS time I really, really mean it. It keeps me up at night, it's all I talk about (even when I'm talking about something else), everywhere I look I'm hoping for inspiration, expecting to see or hear something that will prove to be the missing link in my Uber Premise. Then, there's the bad news: I'm locking up a little. I've brain dumped myself into a stupor, I've tried then retried idea after idea, flipping back and forth between character and premise conceits, changed writing locations, wore my lucky cowboy hat, cut cheese from my diet (again), started meditating in the steam room, joined a writer's group, left the writer's group, prayed, visualized...then today: I cried. Can you believe it? Pull it together Amanda, it's a SPEC PILOT. Perspective Police! Perspective Police!

Part of the reason I love Jane Espenson's blog is that she's so wonderfully unemotional. Just fun, bouyant light-hearted facts about the challenging but delightful world of writing. I picture her in cozy jammies, adding honey to her tea, tiny birds flitter around her, fresh berries in a bowl on her desk, light streaming through her office window as she blogs, every so lightly, about yet another letter from a gentle reader in Croatia. Cut to me: tufts of hair missing, dark circles under my eyes, breath reeking of almonds and self doubt.

Someday I will meet Jane. I will treat her to several stuffed jalapenos from Jack in the Box, I will look deeply into her wise eyes and beg to the know the secret of her angstlessness.

I'm going home to Oregon for a vaction. 5 days. Regroup. Recharge. Be one with the main characters in my real world. Thank God for them.

Words I Wish I had Written: "You can do it!" (My mom.)